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Some personal mumblings

I know there's like literally only three people looking at my blog at all but eh. May be for the best in this case, ahaha. Let me ramble for a bit.

I feel sorry for everyone for not being as active lately - as in, I will reply if spoken to in chat/skype but I have a hard time replying to PMs and comments, let alone other's work and posts... I STILL LOVE YOU ALL AND LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS AND TOUCH ALL THE THINGS. I just don't feel up to much of anything lately. Heck, I even skipped a dentist's appointment today and am now procrastinating on making a phonecall to get myself a new appointment. There's a lot of things I technically wanna do too, like drawing (especially mission and event submission for the RP group I'm modding over on dA), finishing my Cosplay, making something for the Tea Party I'll be attending in June.... But there's just no motivation. More like, a mental barricade that keeps me from doing things.

That's just the tip of things though. The point is, I need to get myself to get professional help, and I've known this for a year if not two. I'm stuck neck-deep in depression and even if it's not the actively self-harming or even suicidal type, I am suffering and it keeps me from getting my life in order. I most likely need someone to grab my hand and drag me along to do things to make up for my own disability of taking those steps on my own... In that regard my living situation is a little unfortunate, I guess, haha. The friend I would prefer to have at my side for these things lives a 6-hour train ride from here and while my sister is in reachable range, I know she has her own troubles to deal with so I wouldn't want to push my things on her.

And then there's the topic of talking to my parents about it. I talked with friends, my sister & her fiancé and even the chaplain lady at my old university about it, but I'm still scared of talking to my parents. I don't want to be more of a disappointment than I already feel I am, and I'm also afraid they might reject me, like "You're not depressed, you're just lazy!" or something. It's scary. However, while I spent New Year's and a few days after at my sister's place and felt the time was fun overall, I cried like what, 4 times already this year? Maybe 5? I burst into tears 3-4 times during my talk with the job counselor I had in december alone. So yeah, something's definitely not right, and I don't feel up to job training right now. Even if an apprenticeship itself would only start in september, I'd have to deal with applications and interviews now, and I certainly don't feel like I can bear it.

I know, ranting about things on the internet won't change a thing, but I just wanted to talk about it, ugh. Explain myself maybe. Why I'm being quiet. I'm still here, I still love my things, I still love my people, I don't exactly love myself, ahaha.



( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 7th, 2015 09:56 am (UTC)

Ranting online doesn't change things, but hopefully putting it into words helps? Even if a little bit. I find that it helps me. I hope it will help you too.

I know you're still here! You're really brave! And not lazy at all. It's definitely not laziness. (Please don't feel obligated to comment on things if that'll cause you stress! (Lurkers are very lovable too))

Mental and physical health and happiness are both so, so important. *hugs* I'm wishing the best for you.

Hoping I can catch you on Skype sometime. <3
Jan. 7th, 2015 12:28 pm (UTC)
Ich bin froh dass du schonmal weißt dass du professionelle Hilfe brauchst. Bei sehr vielen Menschen kommt dieses Bewusstsein gar nicht und das endet meist schlimm.
Du brauchst dich dafür auch vor niemanden zu schämen, schon gar nicht vor deiner Familie. Im Gegenteil, sei stolz dass du nun die Kraft hast einen neuen Schritt zu wagen und zu kämpfen!

Ich bin selbst schon Therapieerfahren und weiß also genau was alles auf dich zukommt. Der Anfang ist schwer, alleine den Mut aufbringen bei Ärzten vorzusprechen, das innerste aufzurollen, über Gefühle zu reden das alles war schon sehr stressig für mich. Teilweise wollte ich alles wieder aufgeben um meinen gewohnten Weg weiter zugehen. Schlussendlich bin ich froh alles durchgebissen zu haben, denn ich bin jetzt in guten Händen und mein Leben lebt sich viel besser.

Erstmal brauchst du einen Hausarzt der dich ernst nimmt und dir nicht gleich irgendwas verschreibt, sondern dich an einen spezialisten überweist. Dann gleich vorraus, die Wartezeiten bei guten Therapeuten und Kliniken sind Horror! Von 3 bis zu 6 Monaten ist alles dabei aber lass dich davon nicht entmutigen!
Wenn ein Therapeut kürzere Wartezeiten hat dann probier ihn erstmal aus (je nach Krankenkasse hast ca. 3 Freisitzungen) und schau ob die Chemie stimmt. Du musst dich dieser Person öffnen können sonst kannst du es sein lassen.
Ich habe leider aus Not heraus zu eilig gehandelt und erstmal über Monate hinweg eine schlechte Therapeutin gehabt aber selbst das war kein Problem. Ich habe an meine Krankenkasse geschrieben das ich wechseln möchte und das hat alles ohne Reibung funktioniert.

Es gibt auch Therapeuten ohne Krankenkassenzulassung, das liegt einfach daran dass das System so ein großer Murks ist, die Therapueten sind deshalb nicht schlechter als welche mit Zulassung! Ich hab meiner Krankenkasse einfach einen Wisch ausgefüllt in dem ich dokumentiert habe, bei welchen Therapeuten ich angerufen und wie lange die Wartezeiten sind. Schon 3 Monate Wartezeit sind nicht zumutbar und deshalb durfte ich zu einem privaten Therapeuten wechseln.

Wichtig ist dass du eine ordentliche Diagnose bekommst denn Depression ist nicht gleich Depression! Die Ursachen sind einfach zu vielfältig, die psychischen Erkrankungen/Störungen so ähnlich. Ich hatte Mitpatienten die schon 8 verschiedene Diagnosen hatten bevor sie endlich die richtige bekamen. Es kann sein dass du nur etwas vorübergehendes hast oder auch etwas angeborenes. Ich weiß nicht wie sehr du dich schon mit der Materie auskennst?
Auf jeden Fall musst du dich von den Clichées verabschiden die das ganze Thema leider hat. Genau das hat mich nämlich immer davon abgehalten mir Hilfe zu suchen, ich hatte Angst ich werde eingeliefert, festgebunden und mit Medikamenten vollgepumpt...D:

Ich kann hier noch viel mehr aus dem Nähkästchen plaudern aber ich weiß nicht ob das hier das richtige ist. Sowas ist dann doch sehr intim, für mich jedenfalls.
Ich helfe dir gerne wenn du fragen hast, leider ist es wegen der Entfernung nicht möglich dich an die Hand zu nehmen. Vielleicht schaffst du es aber auch as eigener Kraft? Das würde dir auch sicher ein besseres Gefühl geben.

Übrigens eine sehr zu empfehlende Möglichkeit sind auch Tageskliniken, vielelicht gibt es ja eine in deiner Nähe?
Jan. 23rd, 2015 10:52 pm (UTC)
I hope you're feeling better, I know what it’s like to be depressed and have no one to talk to. When I tried talking to my friends about it, I realized they were part of the problem. I have three close friends, two from childhood, and sometimes I really hate them. I felt ignored and unimportant. This lasted through half of my middle school and pretty much all through high school life.
I didn’t feel like I could talk to my family either. There was this one summer where my mom had knee surgery and I had to take time off from work to take care of her. That wasn’t the problem. I was happy to be there, I knew the pain was killing her. It was when I went to my Nana’s for the Fourth of July that something happened.
I arrived with my father, talked to all my relatives about my life like they gave an actual fuck about me, and tried my best to be social. When my brother came with my mother, I made sure she was comfortable in the lawn chair outside with everyone else surrounding her. I went inside because- as horrible as it was to feel this way –I was jealous of all the attention my mother got. It would have been fine if I was the one showering her with affection because it would make me happy to see her happy but when everyone else just up and ignored me, I couldn’t take it anymore.
I went inside the house to get away from everyone. My Nana found me when I was on the verge of tears. I thought, I can’t take this anymore! I have to tell somebody….. When I told her no one was paying me any attention, my Nana got really mad. She yelled at me and told me that my mom was going through horrible pain and that I was stupid… She actually called me stupid! It hurt so much.
I broke into tears and ran into the bathroom. She followed me in and well… what happened after that is still too difficult to talk about. Now whenever I see my Nana, or even my aunts, I feel like I’m just some fuckin’ bitch who only cares about herself. They don’t understand me, don’t even try to take a day, not even a minute, out of their lives to call me up or send me a text. They look so fake whenever I talk to them, like I’m some pitiful fool they need to watch out for. I can’t consider them family- they’re just people I know and am forced to be around during the holidays.
Even now, I hate myself and regret ever feeling jealous over my own mother- who’s always been there for me. I hate it!
Back then, I couldn’t say my social life improved much either. They made new friends, spent their days differently. Sometimes I’d plan a get-together. More often than not, one of them bailed out the day of. And because one of the others only liked that person and me, they’d bail out too. Then I’d be left with one friend and we’d just watch TV instead of having the picnic we were going to have, or the day of baking, or even the movie marathon.
It’s even harder now because we all go to different colleges. It’d be a miracle to even receive a text let alone meeting them face-to-face. I shut myself down and, I admit, I gave up on life. It wasn’t worth it. Why the fuck do we have to go through all this? I wasn’t suicidal but I used to cry myself to sleep thinking about how everyone else would feel if I just offed myself. Yeah, they’d miss me but in a few weeks they’d be right back to their own lives- and I just couldn’t stand the thought… It hurt. It still hurts.
I have to say, what pulled me out of the hole, what saved me, was LSK. It wasn’t just the story- another fantasy world where I wished I could be a part of –but the people. The fandom’s so small that everyone knows everyone else. I felt like we were a community, some kind of makeshift family if you will. The first time I posted an LSK fic I was overwhelmed with the positive response. People actually liked something I created, people actually cared! I remember thinking, “Ah, so this is what it’s like to have a family who listens.”
I write because I want to make people happy, I want to make Luca and Kiyu and you happy. Because, even if you hate me, I still consider everyone in the fandom a friend.
I’ll always be here if you want to chat so don’t feel so down. Let’s work hard and best of luck in life! *thumbs up* 
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )



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