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Some personal mumblings

I know there's like literally only three people looking at my blog at all but eh. May be for the best in this case, ahaha. Let me ramble for a bit.

I feel sorry for everyone for not being as active lately - as in, I will reply if spoken to in chat/skype but I have a hard time replying to PMs and comments, let alone other's work and posts... I STILL LOVE YOU ALL AND LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS AND TOUCH ALL THE THINGS. I just don't feel up to much of anything lately. Heck, I even skipped a dentist's appointment today and am now procrastinating on making a phonecall to get myself a new appointment. There's a lot of things I technically wanna do too, like drawing (especially mission and event submission for the RP group I'm modding over on dA), finishing my Cosplay, making something for the Tea Party I'll be attending in June.... But there's just no motivation. More like, a mental barricade that keeps me from doing things.

That's just the tip of things though. The point is, I need to get myself to get professional help, and I've known this for a year if not two. I'm stuck neck-deep in depression and even if it's not the actively self-harming or even suicidal type, I am suffering and it keeps me from getting my life in order. I most likely need someone to grab my hand and drag me along to do things to make up for my own disability of taking those steps on my own... In that regard my living situation is a little unfortunate, I guess, haha. The friend I would prefer to have at my side for these things lives a 6-hour train ride from here and while my sister is in reachable range, I know she has her own troubles to deal with so I wouldn't want to push my things on her.

And then there's the topic of talking to my parents about it. I talked with friends, my sister & her fiancé and even the chaplain lady at my old university about it, but I'm still scared of talking to my parents. I don't want to be more of a disappointment than I already feel I am, and I'm also afraid they might reject me, like "You're not depressed, you're just lazy!" or something. It's scary. However, while I spent New Year's and a few days after at my sister's place and felt the time was fun overall, I cried like what, 4 times already this year? Maybe 5? I burst into tears 3-4 times during my talk with the job counselor I had in december alone. So yeah, something's definitely not right, and I don't feel up to job training right now. Even if an apprenticeship itself would only start in september, I'd have to deal with applications and interviews now, and I certainly don't feel like I can bear it.

I know, ranting about things on the internet won't change a thing, but I just wanted to talk about it, ugh. Explain myself maybe. Why I'm being quiet. I'm still here, I still love my things, I still love my people, I don't exactly love myself, ahaha.

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[PERSONAL] Rest in Peace, little piggu

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These past few days, I have been taking care of a guinea pig called Tsuna. He belonged to friends of mine who are currently away on vacation. Usually he would have stayed with their other pigs for another friend of ours to take care of, but he started showing symptoms of some kind of problem a few days before their trip so he stayed with me for the time being as I had have more time to monitor him.

He would refuse to eat properly - or rather, he tried to but seemed to have problems chewing - and at first not even drink from his bottle so he needed to be hand-fed in addition to the antibiotics and painkillers he got. I took him to my vet a few days in because he also had a wound on the bottom-side of his foot I was worried about and she gave me stronger painkillers that actually led to him drinking on his own again and eating a bit of easy to chew food like the inner parts of a cucumber or salad. Additionally my vet asked to take X-rays of his jaw because she figured he might suffer from some osteoporosis-like thing that's not uncommon in certain breeds of guinea pigs (she told me the actual name once, but I forgot, I'm sorry), or it could be an inflamed tooth.

The appointment was earlier today. Turned out the acute problem indeed was a tooth that had broken and was loose; but his other teeth were problematic too, so she would most likely have to take them all out, which would result in weeks to months of followup treatment. And there was definitely something with his jaws; though it was not clear if it was said "osteoporosis" in was very likely. Moreover nursing a five-year-old guinea pig back to health after it dropped to less than half its original weight is tricky in itself.

In the end the vet and I decided to not wake him from anaesthesia. I'm more shaken than I thought I would be - I had actually expected this kind of outcome and even took last pictures yesterday evening. He's not even my pet! Then again, I've known him longer than I've had my own two current fatties, Miles and Nathan. It was even a dream about Tsuna that made me decide to get pigs of my own again! Having your friends' pet die under your care is still another matter altogether I guess, even though the rational part of my mind keeps telling me there was nothing I could have done about it either way.

I'll fetch my transport box from the vet's on friday. I slept through today's afternoon consultation time and tomorrow's is morning only when I'm at work... Aahah, I don't look forward to returning their own transport box to my friends when they return. (Theirs is remarkably bigger than mine, so I took my own to the vet because it's easier to take on the bus)

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[LSK OC] Training Days Dairy: Entry #1

Fandom: The Legend of Sun Knight
Canon?: Nope, OCs only. Claimed 21st Generation for myself.

Notes: Usually I don't like posting stories about my fan-OCs, but I figured hey, this is my personal blog, I can just post whatever I want |D (Not like anyone's reading this mush anyway, ahaha) So bam! Time to be the embarrassing kid who writes about their OCs instead of the canon characters. It's just a quick random thing I thought up at work today and decided to actually write down to get back into writing, aha ♥
Set in their training days. Since I'm a loser at titles for random short stories/scenes any training day blurb will be titled Training Days Dairy: Entry #X by order of posting, not by chronological order or anything... These probably make more sense if you've read me mumbling about them before, ahaha- I should probably post character profiles eventually. orz

Story behind the cutCollapse )

[LOLITA/OUJI] Wishlist SIDE B

♣ Also known as: The really pretty things I kinda want but probably can't afford! ♣
(For most of these things I have no overview over the price really)
♣ If you have anything from this list up for sale, don't hesitate to shoot me a message anyway! ♣
♣ Depending on the offer, I might just buy it, but don't be upset if I decline. ♣
♣ Payment plans are an end-of-the-month thing only here. Unlikely I'll buy anything more expensive. ♣
♣ Great things for (partial) trades if I ever to sell anything, I guess! ♣
♣ This post will probably grow to unreasonable lengths. ♣
♣ Work in Progress. ♣

Wishlist SIDE A (pricey things I dream of owning one day) ♠
Wishlist SIDE C (things I'm actually willing to afford spontaneously) ♥

What do you mean, B comes before C?Collapse )

[LOLITA/OUJI] Wishlist SIDE C

♣ Also known as: Less expensive, or at least less expensive than SIDE A, things I might just buy on a whim! ♣
(Mostly socks. I just love too many blouses to choose.)
♣ If you have anything from this list up for sale, don't hesitate to shoot me a message! ♣
♣ These are the things I'm aiming to buy with no Payment Plans. ♣
♣ Great things for (partial) trades if I ever to sell anything, I guess! ♣
♣ Aside from the things mentioned here I'm always up for Atelier boz blouses. ♣
♣ I really I love like 90% of them so I'd be ridiculous to list all I want here. ♣
♣ Work in Progress.♣

Wishlist SIDE A (pricey things I dream of owning one day) ♠
Wishlist SIDE B (other somewhat pricey things I like) ♦

One day I will not forget to put cuts. Today is not that day, obviouslyCollapse )

[LOLITA/OUJI] Wishlist SIDE A

♣ Also known as: The really pretty things I want most but can hardly afford! ♣
(One day I shall wear them. One day.)
♣ If you have anything from this list up for sale, don't hesitate to shoot me a message! ♣
♣ I might spend more money on these things than I should. ♣
♣ Payment plans would be great here! Would need to be one payment per month though since I get my paychecks monthly. ♣
♣ I'll try to keep it at two payments though. ♣

Wishlist SIDE B (other somewhat pricey things I like) ♦
Wishlist SIDE C (things I'm actually willing to afford spontaneously) ♥

...How come literally everything is AatP (for now)? Oh well-Collapse )